Seeking peace within the turmoil
I haven't updated in a while, and it's long overdue. In a deviation from the norm, I'm going to one-pass this entry - I'm typing it right into Blogger in a straight-out "memory dump". I've a text file with the skeleton for my next entry sitting on my desktop that I'm ignoring for this. Warning: this may be one mother entry.
So what's been going on in my life? Quite simply: Ah Steve, Agel, meeting up with old friends, making new friends and dancing. I'm riding all that on a mad rollercoaster called Emotion. It's one crazy ride but it's so exhilirating - there's so much energy in that which I'm directing into what I'm doing. Sure it's nuts sometimes, but I feel so alive; the past 3 weeks have really crawled and yet I feel I've done so much.
Ah Steve
Can't remember if I've mentioned this, but we've enlisted the support of good ol' Dominique for our production and he's been doing some funky shit. Don't know if it's the weight of sheer centuries of French liberal arty-fartiness in his accent or his exhortations of going deeper (in breath), but he's the one constant we can hold on to and be guided by. It's unfortunate that someone who is completely external to the play is a pillar for us, but that's how it has turned out - our director sticks to the principle of change and 'try something new all the time' while our lead does not have a clear idea (to me, at least) of where to take the character and by extension, the play.
I'm not saying that these are bad things, but currently I am not happy with the status quo. I am fully aware that I am quite the newborn babe in the woods of theatre, which is why I hold my peace and patience. I genuinely do not know, and feelings are a fickle means to judge by. I'll just regularly vent my feelings out of my system, aim to create a mindblowing performance and wait till it's all over before making a conclusion about it all. Pass judgement, if you will.
Again, can't remember if I've said this but we've had a massive breakthrough in our set layout so we're all very happy with the effect it has - on us and on the audience. Frankly, it's a show worth watching (yes, if I do say so myself) purely based on the script and the set. The lighting and sound show good potential, too. I pray that the actors deliver, and THAT would really rock. It'd become a highlight of the year.
Which reminds me of some ideas mentioned (possibly in passing, but who knows) - publishing it as a book (which would be so bloody excellent as my name would be in the early pages under the entry "first performed at The Actor's Studio Bangsar with the following cast"; and as a movie. My plan is to be in the position where there is no doubt that I'd have to play my character in the movie, too.
Agel
Now this is where the rollercoaster rides the hardest. From facing rejection, to handling objection, to having hopes dashed, to getting great results, to dreaming and wanting better faster more - it's all there. What a mad learning experience (yes mad, crazy and gila are the featured words of this entry - the only adjectives to describe my past few weeks) it's been. Thinking about it, I first joined looking at how I could have everything I wanted. The next 2 months were spent looking at what I'd have to do, to go through, to stay strong about. After that, I just blasted through - risking, desiring, striving, growing.
I make that sound so trivial, but I truly cannot describe how tumultuous my mind was. From self-doubt to guilt to desire to distraction to self-drive to uncertainty to fear to self-belief - the whole gamut of thoughts and feelings one goes through as one commits oneself wholeheartedly into something so unknown, so foreign.
It doesn't have to be that way, of course. My mind just makes things especially difficult for me. As some say - the danger of intelligence is intelligence itself. The mind has... okay fine the mind has a mind of its own, and when it fights, hoo boy have you got a battle on your hands. And I planted some really dumb ideas in there when I was young so I've been waging a war to get them out.
All that rhetoric is meaningless without results, and I am elated to say that I've earned more than USD500 for the month of January. If I (and my crew) did jack-shit for Feb, I'd earn USD20. So, 1 point for Active Income, 0 for Passive Income.
If you're wondering what the hell I'm on about, take a look at my website.
Friends old and new
My favourite part of doing the Agel business is the implicit core directive: meet people, spend time with people. It's such a joy to catch up with old friends, see what's going on with their lives, which directions they've taken and the whys. I recently met up with a primary schoolmate who'll be a Doctor soon (PhD) - the first I personally know, and it seems that he's utterly salsa-crazy. Funny world, right? I'm reconnecting to various souls I've met throughout my life and loving it.
Dancing
Now this is something that I hadn't been doing enough of in recent times. I'd forgotten how much I love it. My stats for 2007 are already standing at: 1 Cynna, 1 Bar Sa Vanh, 3 Velvet / Zouk. And fantastically enough I think I've spent more money on the parking than on drinks. Yes that means 2 things: 1- I don't need to drink to dance and have a blast; 2- I have great friends. Dancing is one of the things that is keeping me sane (or as close to that as I can be).
So how?
Indeed. Plans for 2007 are crashing together in my head, jostling for attention whilst I seek the centre of the storm. Establishing acting career, getting parts, filling my year with activity, exploring avenues likee film and Singapore; attempting writing career, seeking ideas, angles, materials; self-devlopment, singing, Mandarin, dancing, body-building; creating income pipelines, Agel, writing, adverts.
I look at that, and it's madness. But I'm happy for that madness. It's so thrilling, all sorts of crazy stuff that I told myself at various points in my life - "I wanna be like Han Solo" (yeah yeah Harrison Ford whatever) or "I'm gonna write a book as good as this" or "I'd like to be as built as that bitch" or "man, I love to go live in Cuba for a few months and not worry about money". Holy shit man, I'm going for ALL of that, now!
And to think that just 2 years ago my dream was to "hopefully be Senior Executive by the end of the year". Fuck that shit man, no wonder I was an unhappy fatty. If I lose my bet with my Mum, I think I'd commit suicide the most spectacular way I can rather than serve my soul, diced and lightly stewed, on a cubicle-sized platter to IBM / Microsoft / Intel / Accenture / heaven-forbid-ShittyBank.
So drama-mama right. But that thought really drives me today, and every day. My fire of individuality and my will to live burns too brightly to allow the above paragraph to happen. The gila babi within has awoken, and none shall stand in its path.
So what's been going on in my life? Quite simply: Ah Steve, Agel, meeting up with old friends, making new friends and dancing. I'm riding all that on a mad rollercoaster called Emotion. It's one crazy ride but it's so exhilirating - there's so much energy in that which I'm directing into what I'm doing. Sure it's nuts sometimes, but I feel so alive; the past 3 weeks have really crawled and yet I feel I've done so much.
Ah Steve
Can't remember if I've mentioned this, but we've enlisted the support of good ol' Dominique for our production and he's been doing some funky shit. Don't know if it's the weight of sheer centuries of French liberal arty-fartiness in his accent or his exhortations of going deeper (in breath), but he's the one constant we can hold on to and be guided by. It's unfortunate that someone who is completely external to the play is a pillar for us, but that's how it has turned out - our director sticks to the principle of change and 'try something new all the time' while our lead does not have a clear idea (to me, at least) of where to take the character and by extension, the play.
I'm not saying that these are bad things, but currently I am not happy with the status quo. I am fully aware that I am quite the newborn babe in the woods of theatre, which is why I hold my peace and patience. I genuinely do not know, and feelings are a fickle means to judge by. I'll just regularly vent my feelings out of my system, aim to create a mindblowing performance and wait till it's all over before making a conclusion about it all. Pass judgement, if you will.
Again, can't remember if I've said this but we've had a massive breakthrough in our set layout so we're all very happy with the effect it has - on us and on the audience. Frankly, it's a show worth watching (yes, if I do say so myself) purely based on the script and the set. The lighting and sound show good potential, too. I pray that the actors deliver, and THAT would really rock. It'd become a highlight of the year.
Which reminds me of some ideas mentioned (possibly in passing, but who knows) - publishing it as a book (which would be so bloody excellent as my name would be in the early pages under the entry "first performed at The Actor's Studio Bangsar with the following cast"; and as a movie. My plan is to be in the position where there is no doubt that I'd have to play my character in the movie, too.
Agel
Now this is where the rollercoaster rides the hardest. From facing rejection, to handling objection, to having hopes dashed, to getting great results, to dreaming and wanting better faster more - it's all there. What a mad learning experience (yes mad, crazy and gila are the featured words of this entry - the only adjectives to describe my past few weeks) it's been. Thinking about it, I first joined looking at how I could have everything I wanted. The next 2 months were spent looking at what I'd have to do, to go through, to stay strong about. After that, I just blasted through - risking, desiring, striving, growing.
I make that sound so trivial, but I truly cannot describe how tumultuous my mind was. From self-doubt to guilt to desire to distraction to self-drive to uncertainty to fear to self-belief - the whole gamut of thoughts and feelings one goes through as one commits oneself wholeheartedly into something so unknown, so foreign.
It doesn't have to be that way, of course. My mind just makes things especially difficult for me. As some say - the danger of intelligence is intelligence itself. The mind has... okay fine the mind has a mind of its own, and when it fights, hoo boy have you got a battle on your hands. And I planted some really dumb ideas in there when I was young so I've been waging a war to get them out.
All that rhetoric is meaningless without results, and I am elated to say that I've earned more than USD500 for the month of January. If I (and my crew) did jack-shit for Feb, I'd earn USD20. So, 1 point for Active Income, 0 for Passive Income.
If you're wondering what the hell I'm on about, take a look at my website.
Friends old and new
My favourite part of doing the Agel business is the implicit core directive: meet people, spend time with people. It's such a joy to catch up with old friends, see what's going on with their lives, which directions they've taken and the whys. I recently met up with a primary schoolmate who'll be a Doctor soon (PhD) - the first I personally know, and it seems that he's utterly salsa-crazy. Funny world, right? I'm reconnecting to various souls I've met throughout my life and loving it.
Dancing
Now this is something that I hadn't been doing enough of in recent times. I'd forgotten how much I love it. My stats for 2007 are already standing at: 1 Cynna, 1 Bar Sa Vanh, 3 Velvet / Zouk. And fantastically enough I think I've spent more money on the parking than on drinks. Yes that means 2 things: 1- I don't need to drink to dance and have a blast; 2- I have great friends. Dancing is one of the things that is keeping me sane (or as close to that as I can be).
So how?
Indeed. Plans for 2007 are crashing together in my head, jostling for attention whilst I seek the centre of the storm. Establishing acting career, getting parts, filling my year with activity, exploring avenues likee film and Singapore; attempting writing career, seeking ideas, angles, materials; self-devlopment, singing, Mandarin, dancing, body-building; creating income pipelines, Agel, writing, adverts.
I look at that, and it's madness. But I'm happy for that madness. It's so thrilling, all sorts of crazy stuff that I told myself at various points in my life - "I wanna be like Han Solo" (yeah yeah Harrison Ford whatever) or "I'm gonna write a book as good as this" or "I'd like to be as built as that bitch" or "man, I love to go live in Cuba for a few months and not worry about money". Holy shit man, I'm going for ALL of that, now!
And to think that just 2 years ago my dream was to "hopefully be Senior Executive by the end of the year". Fuck that shit man, no wonder I was an unhappy fatty. If I lose my bet with my Mum, I think I'd commit suicide the most spectacular way I can rather than serve my soul, diced and lightly stewed, on a cubicle-sized platter to IBM / Microsoft / Intel / Accenture / heaven-forbid-ShittyBank.
So drama-mama right. But that thought really drives me today, and every day. My fire of individuality and my will to live burns too brightly to allow the above paragraph to happen. The gila babi within has awoken, and none shall stand in its path.
posted by Jo at 1:32 am
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