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A Life Unlived

My boss asked the team what we've achieved in the past 2 months today. It took us a few moments to step back from the day-to-day madness of the office to put things in perspective and compose our answers, but they came readily and easily.

Then I asked myself the same question today, in terms of my life - and I've yet to come up with an answer I'm happy with. Not that I'm unhappy, mind you. It's just... not much. Sure, completing the whole Harry Potter septology is an achievement of sorts. Trying out Swing dancing and Pole dancing. Doing some Mystery Shopping on the side. Getting D hooked on Company of Heroes and playing it with real people has been great fun.

I've learned quite a bit about handling money, though not as much as I'd like. I haven't learned much about doing Property in Malaysia. I haven't spent much time with my friends. I haven't walked my dog much. I haven't been involved with anything to do with theatre or even the arts. I haven't exercised, danced and learned as much as I wanted to. God, what am I doing with my life??

I've taken up a job that's demanding and sometimes satisfying. I've taken up some writing that's constantly insiduously eating at my guilt for not being able to work on it. I've taken up so many demanding (physically, mentally, psychologically and emotionally) people that I'm trapped in some sort of meaningless day-to-day existence, with so many barriers everywhere I look, everywhere I turn. I'm surrounded with forces pressuring me to take on a shape and size of their desire, to fit into some kind of mould conforming with their view of the world.

The only peace and solace I can get is in the wee hours of the night, the wee hours of the morning. At the cost of my sleep, which deteriorates the quality of my work and the quality of my relationships with people. The noose tightens, and I can only grasp harder at the rope.

I have been sucked and absorbed, wholly and fully, into the system. Of what earning money should be like. Of what my various relationships should be like. Of what my life should be like.

I have wilfully embraced mediocrity, and I disgust myself.