Abyss

I've spent the last half-hour attempting to wrestle the right word out of my brain-dead head, and the best I could settle for was "Abyss". There's a beautiful, succinct and pithy word that means "nothingness" and bloody hell that's exactly what I got when I tried to remember it.

I don't know why I'm so compelled to blog this entry. I am stuck in some kind of purgatory: my brain's barely working, my eyes don't wanna stay open, my shoulders and back ache. I'm not feeling anything.

I don't want to sleep. I don't want to do anything: read, surf, play a game, look for porn, listen to music, watch a movie, study my fish (that's literally a fish, not an obtuse reference to my private part), whatever. I want to have a smoke but I'm not letting me.

So somehow, blogging it is. And as much as I'd love to transcribe all the above in some eloquent, sexy, ass-kicking poem, man none of my systems have any hope of accomplishing it.


What a strange state it is. I'm tired, possibly exhausted; and yet I don't want to sleep. Mind you, this isn't the first time I've been here - but it's been a long time since the last one. I've had a lousy day - Randy Gage was so spot on when he spoke about putting positive inputs into the system and how negative inputs just fuck you up, and I started the day with one super-negative conversation. I couldn't get that conversation out of my head the whole day. So, for some reason I don't want a blah day to end.

Maybe I'm scared. Today's the day I felt the least certain about my current path all year. Maybe I'm scared that if I go to sleep with this feeling, it'll grow overnight into some giant kudzu that'll swamp my mind body soul and I'll end up as some wannabe-consultant at Accenture or something. Heh no offense dudes, but as time passes by I lose more and more of the awe and reverence I used to have for your company and think less and less of working there. Be a "Resource" that the company shuffles around to satisfy the whims and fancies of its clients. Yikes. Fuck me lord but I pray to make so fucking much money that I never need to contemplate such blasphemy to my soul ever again.

And that's the truth, isn't it. I'm scared shitless. An eighth into the year and I'm having doubts. Every day passes so slowly with so much to be done, but the days are passing by so quickly that I sometimes wonder what I'm doing. The Year of the Roasted Pig is almost here and I don't know where my fucking afflictions are! Save me Ah Too!!


Just thought of the word I've been looking for: nadir. It appears NOT to mean "nothingness", but "the lowest point; point of greatest adversity or despair." Scary shit man, that's exactly it. The soul has a way of communicating what it needs to. Or some funky shit like that.

Another side-note: isn't that picture fucking gorgeous?!? Chanced upon it looking for "abyss" images. It's a bloody jellyfish in an aquarium, believe it or not. I have to go diving again.


Yes. Steel my soul. Sharpen the sword called Belief. Burnish the shield called Perseverance. Ride the stallion called Destiny.

But ultimately have faith. In me.




I ask myself, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous and fucking rich?

Actually, who are you not to be motherfucker?!?