Chaos-chasing

I recently told someone that my emotions are so shot-up and all over the place that I now regularly have to fight off cigarette-desire again. Only ex-smokers and some smokers will truly understand this (some, because the rest are too unaware of their bodies to realise what's going on) - whether it's the sight of an ashtray, or the smell of burning cigarette, or the sound of scraping flint, or even the wistful curl of transient smoke; my body wants it. Craves it. Desires it, for that brief one moment, with its entire being.

The skin prickles with anticipation. The fingers rub, feeling the absence of the stick. The breath quickens in preparation. The eyes search for the necessities - the pack, the fire. The mind is flooded with thoughts of comfort, relaxation, social acceptance.

And the Soul fights back. The Self. The Spirit. The Heart. The Will. Call it what you will, it is usually a silent scream. Absolute power, completely emasculated by a being too scared to trust it. Thankfully, in this I have learned to make it a habit of trusting my soul. I like to think that I cheat by having cigarillos / cigars; but that is needless self-deprecation - I know that I grow stronger, better, happier every time I say no to a cancer stick.

I'm still learning to trust my soul in other things in my life.




I'm just back from Velvet, which is strangely the place I felt most keenly a powerful emotion. An emotion I felt and wrote privately of last month. An overwhelming emotion. An emotion that may seem most unlikely for someone like me; who values his space, needs regular time alone, yet has many people he can call 'friend'. That emotion is loneliness.

Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.
~Paul Johannes Tillich, The Eternal Now

I believe that I have found my path in life, for this point in my life. Where everything makes sense, where everything has a beautiful symmetry and harmony to it, where everything feels just right. And that's where the glory lies. But because everyone has their own path, there is no one person I can truly talk to and be with right now. No one to share everything with, no one who truly UNDERSTANDS. And that's where the pain lies.

I spoke to an old friend and saw so much self-denial and learned helplessness. I chatted with my mum and saw so much narrowness and negativity. I met with old schoolmates and saw so much low self-esteem and lost dreams. It's painful to see, but I'm choosing to see.

Now I know that a way to make this work for me is to find different people with whom I can share and be with for the different aspects of my life. It's just that the transition to that mindset from my previous one hurts. Realising what I'll have to let go of, seeing what I need more of / less of in my life, working against entrenched habits.

Because I also see old friends having epiphanies about how they want to live life and choosing to; old schoolmates reaching for their dreams and the stars; new friends who stand for their individuality and their individual beauty; new people who believe in themselves and believe themselves worthy of everything this bountiful life has to offer. That is why I choose to see. Inspiration. Uplifting. Meaning.

The title, if you're still wondering about it at this point, actually refers to the fact that I'm driving myself even further down this path that I'm taking. I see my pot of gold at the end: I just might have to take multiple trips to hell and back for it. Thankfully I've just found myself a lovely quote that brings a bittersweet smile to my lips.

There is no insurmountable solitude. All paths lead to the same goal: to convey to others what we are. And we must pass through solitude and difficulty, isolation and silence, in order to reach forth to the enchanted place where we can dance our clumsy dance and sing our sorrowful song - but in this dance or in this song there are fulfilled the most ancient rites of our conscience in the awareness of being human and of believing in a common destiny.
~ Pablo Neruda, Toward the splendid city: Nobel lecture

Yes, I did have fun tonight. Some same-old same-old songs, some strange dance groups, hot as hell. But fun. Anyway how often does one have such a thought-provoking clubbing experience?