What's the point...

... in talking to someone who doesn't listen?

... of loving someone who can't accept it?

... of dreaming if you don't want to pay the price for it?

... in regressing?

... in fighting for the status quo when it is unsustainable?

... in supporting someone who doesn't want to grow?

... of being right at the cost of everyone who loves you?

... of playing a game where everyone loses?


Ultimate question is, will I allow myself to win?

Human Touch

You and me we were the pretenders
We let it all slip away
In the end what you don't surrender
Well the world just strips away
Girl, ain't no kindness in the face of strangers
Ain't gonna find no miracles here
Well you can wait on your blessings my darling
I got a deal for you right here
I ain't looking for praise or pity
I ain't coming round searching for a crutch
I just want someone to talk to
And a little of that human touch
Just a little of that human touch

Ain't no mercy on the streets of this town
Ain't no bread from heavenly skies
Ain't nobody drawing wine from this blood
Its just you and me tonight
Tell me, in a world without pity
Do you think what I'm askin's too much
I just want something to hold on to
And a little of that human touch
Just a little of that human touch

Oh girl that feeling of safety that you prize
Well it comes at a hard hard price
You cant shut off the risk and the pain
Without losing the love that remains
Were all riders on this train

So you've been broken and you've been hurt
Show me somebody who ain't
Yeah, I know I ain't nobody's bargain
But, hell, a little touch up and a little paint...
You might need something to hold on to
When all the answers, they don't amount to much
Somebody that you could just to talk to
And a little of that human touch
Baby, in a world without pity
Do you think what I'm askin's too much
I just want to feel you in my arms
Share a little of that human touch
Feel a little of that human touch
Give me a little of that human touch


Bruce Springsteen

All luvved up

Thus ends the opening night of Ah Steve. It ran wonderfully, with all of us feeling the buzz of energy and the enjoyment of the crowd and then later seeing who it was exactly who came for the show. There's something wonderful about seeing familiar faces from your life who are beaming in happiness for you. Thank you so very much for coming and waiting, guys - it means so much to me.

Of course, what made it especially wonderful and magical tonight was that M was there. How do I put into words those moments - from the meeting of the eyes, to the first words, the first touch, the enjoyment of each other's company once again, the goodbye. Last time I called it 'joyous ecstasy and deep sadness', and that's it all over again. I think in my past month of busying myself with everything in my life, my love and care for her got pushed to the further corners of my mind; tonight, it all came surging back. Someone just said, "she's your biggest fan lah," and that broke my heart all over again. Not in a bad way, but in a really beautifully bittersweet way. My words are failing me (several glasses of wine might have have something to do with it) - in essence, we still care a lot for each other, and yet are steadfast in our stance of how our relationship should go on. So tragic hor? Or in the words of the immortal HT - a Greek tradegy.


What next?

Continuing the theme of being luvved up, L said something absolutely wonderful to my ears. She's (not-so-) secretly praying that I don't get an on-stage part of Tunku so that she can have me assisting backstage. Yeah I don't care much for that praying bit, but it's nice to be wanted, isn't it?

But I'm sorrylah babe, I'm aiming for a lead role. God knows what that role is, but if it can somehow fit I want it. The masochist within wants to be belasah-ed kau-kau by Mervyn.


Agel & Urgency

The thing I've always hated about the word 'urgency' is that I'm not sure how to answer the question "what is it". Conceptually I know it is the antithesis of procrastination, and that it encapsulates "do it now 'cos there's no better time", but such platitudes don't adequately answer the question. Whatever, I'll bullshit my way through when someone decides to ask me.

The reason I bring it up is because of this: in Agel, the compensation plan brilliantly rewards the "correct behaviour" - one of them being urgency. This is a business - you go out there, take action and make yours work. However, I know someone who has been thinking about joining for the longest time - 4/5 months, at a guess. I really believe that he does want to join - but he's waiting for something. Lord knows what that is, but in his dilly-dallying he's missed a few massive opportunities to reduce his workload to make a lot of money.

Look, dude. A huge reason to join Agel is timing. When you have the opportunity to be responsible for bringing leaders into the business; leaders who will be the reason for Agel's success, who see more potential in it than you do and want to make it happen for them - you take it. There's more work because it's new, but there's more rewards because of that work.

Grab life by the balls, make sure you have yours, and go make shit happen man!


More on loneliness

This arrived in my mailbox recently:

If you are afraid of being alone, you are dependent on others for your sense of self, and if you are dependent on others, you block your receptivity to inner guidance. Being willing to be alone involves being willing to be different, to have commitments and values that don’t blend with any crowd.

-- Ingrid Bacci

Show some love to the loner within. The lone ranger within.

Chaos-chasing

I recently told someone that my emotions are so shot-up and all over the place that I now regularly have to fight off cigarette-desire again. Only ex-smokers and some smokers will truly understand this (some, because the rest are too unaware of their bodies to realise what's going on) - whether it's the sight of an ashtray, or the smell of burning cigarette, or the sound of scraping flint, or even the wistful curl of transient smoke; my body wants it. Craves it. Desires it, for that brief one moment, with its entire being.

The skin prickles with anticipation. The fingers rub, feeling the absence of the stick. The breath quickens in preparation. The eyes search for the necessities - the pack, the fire. The mind is flooded with thoughts of comfort, relaxation, social acceptance.

And the Soul fights back. The Self. The Spirit. The Heart. The Will. Call it what you will, it is usually a silent scream. Absolute power, completely emasculated by a being too scared to trust it. Thankfully, in this I have learned to make it a habit of trusting my soul. I like to think that I cheat by having cigarillos / cigars; but that is needless self-deprecation - I know that I grow stronger, better, happier every time I say no to a cancer stick.

I'm still learning to trust my soul in other things in my life.




I'm just back from Velvet, which is strangely the place I felt most keenly a powerful emotion. An emotion I felt and wrote privately of last month. An overwhelming emotion. An emotion that may seem most unlikely for someone like me; who values his space, needs regular time alone, yet has many people he can call 'friend'. That emotion is loneliness.

Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.
~Paul Johannes Tillich, The Eternal Now

I believe that I have found my path in life, for this point in my life. Where everything makes sense, where everything has a beautiful symmetry and harmony to it, where everything feels just right. And that's where the glory lies. But because everyone has their own path, there is no one person I can truly talk to and be with right now. No one to share everything with, no one who truly UNDERSTANDS. And that's where the pain lies.

I spoke to an old friend and saw so much self-denial and learned helplessness. I chatted with my mum and saw so much narrowness and negativity. I met with old schoolmates and saw so much low self-esteem and lost dreams. It's painful to see, but I'm choosing to see.

Now I know that a way to make this work for me is to find different people with whom I can share and be with for the different aspects of my life. It's just that the transition to that mindset from my previous one hurts. Realising what I'll have to let go of, seeing what I need more of / less of in my life, working against entrenched habits.

Because I also see old friends having epiphanies about how they want to live life and choosing to; old schoolmates reaching for their dreams and the stars; new friends who stand for their individuality and their individual beauty; new people who believe in themselves and believe themselves worthy of everything this bountiful life has to offer. That is why I choose to see. Inspiration. Uplifting. Meaning.

The title, if you're still wondering about it at this point, actually refers to the fact that I'm driving myself even further down this path that I'm taking. I see my pot of gold at the end: I just might have to take multiple trips to hell and back for it. Thankfully I've just found myself a lovely quote that brings a bittersweet smile to my lips.

There is no insurmountable solitude. All paths lead to the same goal: to convey to others what we are. And we must pass through solitude and difficulty, isolation and silence, in order to reach forth to the enchanted place where we can dance our clumsy dance and sing our sorrowful song - but in this dance or in this song there are fulfilled the most ancient rites of our conscience in the awareness of being human and of believing in a common destiny.
~ Pablo Neruda, Toward the splendid city: Nobel lecture

Yes, I did have fun tonight. Some same-old same-old songs, some strange dance groups, hot as hell. But fun. Anyway how often does one have such a thought-provoking clubbing experience?