Transformers the movie

With Michael Bay, I always know to "Hope for the best, but expect the worst." The absolute worst. Disappointingly, I was not disappointed. Apologies in advance, this is a rant. You might find it entertaining.

1 hour US propaganda, 1 hour love story, 30 mins Transformers. Of course, the 30 mins were the bomb. Yes, sounds like Pearl Harbour doesn't it? Wished his bloodline was bombed out by the Japanese 60 years ago - it'd save us from ALL THE FUCKING BULLSHIT!!!

It breaks my heart, it does. There are moments in the movie that absolutely rocks (yes all in those 30 mins). The intro to the transformers is waaaay cool, the fact that they took so damn long (in a bad, cheong hei way) to set it up made it all the more satisfying to see the US base get fucked over. The intro to Bumblebee kinda sucked, though the intro to his other incarnation's cool. The intro to the Autobots is very cool, and really made me feel all kiddy again. Note: the INITIAL intro was cool - the unnecessarily-dragged out intro sucked. The Decepticons' intro sucked because it was so damn brief.

Fight scenes rock, though the over-elaborateness of the robots made faster scenes confusing. Aaaaand that's pretty much all that's good about the movie. The damn robots, which was about 20% of the damn movie. I would NOT watch it again, I cannot go through so much cheese and crap to enjoy that wonderful 20%. A quick description of shitty 80%:

Love scene. Ugh. What the fuck is that all about. Sure, the girl is hot, that's the only thing that makes it palatable. The unrealistic scale is tipped over again by the fact that there seems to be little real chemistry - I didn't get it that he wants to fuck her brains out. Hello, she's hot, she obviously likes you, you've been in multiple death-defying situations; all you wanna do it touch fucking fingers?!?!? Fucking loser. Yes, I really hate unnecessary love scenes that contribute NOTHING to a movie except build further on a false belief that you can be a complete and utter loser and still get a hot girl.

Note that there IS another hot girl - an Australian blonde hottie working for the NSA, no less. She represents the best team of signal decrypters that the United States of America has. Note that she's just more-or-less graduated from college, and has a good friend who is a fat black man and is the best hacker she knows. Suspension of disbelief, OVERDRIVE ON.

US patriotism. Look Americans, the rest of the world (that's 95% of the population of the world) get it that you love your country and you think you rock your socks. We think that's quaint and sometimes cute, though we're quite sorry you have such low self-esteem. Multiple zoom-ins to "US AIR FORCE" on a plane (Nooooo really? Not TENTERA UDARA DIRAJA MALAYSIA??), slow-motion exits of US soldiers from various vehicles, a few scenes of US soldiers enjoying life and the company their multiracial compatriots, clichéd shots of US aircraft banking in perfect harmony, the good ol' helicopter rising in silhouette with a sunrise/sunset background. Christ Almighty, what a painful exercise in autofellatio.

Humour. For some reason, Mr Bay wanted to make this film funny. Everyone tried too hard, and that just makes it all fall very flat. Combined with the long drawn-out-ness of some scenes, I got restless and am not surprised that some people felt like sleeping.

So, question time (possible spoilers here if you're worried, the whole movie's a spoiler to me):
- if you were the member of an Arabic tribe near Qatar, what would you do if you saw a bunch of US soldiers running towards you? Yes, I would fucking gun them down too, and THEN worry about that big scorpion transformer behind them.
- if the US army could land missiles and massed gunfire on a target with such pinpoint accuracy that soldiers 25m away from the target did not even suffer a scratch, why do they keep blowing up their allies in wars?
- why IS there a scorpion transformer anyway, aside from being a convenient plot device?
- if US soldiers can last so damn many hours / days / whatever convenient timelength in the desert with absolutely no supplies and in full complete uniform, why send so much supplies to Iraq?
- where are the other Decepticons when one of them is getting gang-banged? What are they doing most of the movie anyway?
- what happened to all the extra robots created accidentally near the end of the movie?
- if the helicopter Decepticon has such kickass weaponry, why can't he just blow the fuck out of the boy anytime during the final fight?
- why did the boy run all that distance when he had the Autobots guarding him most of the way (1. "eh fucker, transform and lemme jump in!" 2. "eh fucker, pick me up, you run faster than me!" 3. "eh fucker, take this object that everyone wants and jump to the top of the building I'm running to!")?
- why did hot chick take Bumblebee for a nice drive around the block in the middle of a firefight?
- where were the US tanks that come out for every other movie?
- how come they didn't send Bruce Willis to nuke those fucking asteroids coming to Earth?

Gimme my 2 hours back.