Dear Indonesia...

... effective immediately after Hari Raya Puasa, please consider the island of Sumatra a property of Malaysia. We, the Malaysian Government, have spent the Holy Month of Ramadhan in deep contemplation over the various issues plaguing our nations and our region, and have decided that it would be to the benefit of all involved that we take over the management of abovementioned island. Here follows the reasons:

1. The Haze. Obviously, your government is ill-equipped to handle this issue (not from lack of ability, of course). We are unfortunately bearing the brunt of this problem, and currently are unable to view the various prides of the nation (ie KL Tower, Twin Towers, Sometime-Tallest Flagpole-in -the-World). This is highly damaging for our morale (even though we teach it in schools) and patriotism. Our attempts to cleanse our air by cloud-seeding have been futile.

So we thought, why not fight the problem directly? Why waste water in the sky when we can pour it over the fires ourselves? We only wish to save you the hassle of negotiations for airspace.


2. Illegal Immigrants. Since your government is unable to control their flow from Medan and the many ports of Sumatra, we shall patriate them instead. They will no longer be illegal and as loyal citizens of Malaysia, they will be free to visit their brethren on the peninsular as freely as they like. Both countries will mutually benefit from this, as we will save on enforcement and deportation costs.


3. Subsistence Farmers. The identified cause of #1 above, will, as Malaysian citizens, now automatically be enrolled into our Felda programmes. They will be educated and transported to suitable areas of farming, very far from Sumatra (for example Sabah). We will be able to call in WWF to see the good both our countries have done for the world's rainforests.


4. The Straits of Malacca. As you may be aware, we have been blaming you for the horrible state the Straits are in. However, upon annexing Sumatra, the Straits will completely belong to us, absolving you from all further blame. We will now be able to categorically deny all instances of piracy, oil slicks and environmental degradation, absolving us from all further blame.


As you can see, this arrangement is highly mutually beneficial. After all, what is one island in 17 508? We believe that one less island to administer is a great load off your shoulders. No need for thanks, we believe it is in the spirit of brotherhood.

With love,

Kementerian Peperangan
Lebuh Keris
off Jalan Silat
Putrajaya


PS - Note that should you have any objection to this latest ruling of the Malaysian Government, we will have to heed the words of the world's greatest leader and assume that as you are not with us, you are against us. Samples of our methodology of Shock & Awe:

• the largest slingshot in the world - a massive rubber band stretched between the Twin Towers. It will be used to launch our oversupply of Protons (due to overimporting of foreign cars from cloned APs) to further jam your streets.
  
• we will blow the haze onto Jakarta by orienting all the air-conditioning units in the country to your general direction. To increase the effectiveness of this airborne threat, we will encourage our populace to smoke by halving our funding on the 'Tak Nak' campaign so it will be a 'Nak' campaign.
• our bombers with be filled with used satay sticks and toothpicks to terrify your population into submission.

You have been warned.