Cara Madre
I am writing this here, because I do not know if I will ever be able to say it all in person. I don't believe that I have sufficient command of my emotions when it comes to talking to you, and unfortunately I don't believe that you will actually listen to all I have to say. Worst of all, I don't believe that my words will affect you in any way whatsoever. But these words need to be said, or at the very least put to writing.
Fact is, I cannot communicate with you. To call it a generation gap, a gender gap, a role gap, or any other gap would be farcical - the yawning chasm between us beggars description. What is important to you is superficial to me. What is important to me is foolish idealism to you. I have little interest in describing my day while it is still unraveling, and I have no answer to the question "why didn't you say hi?" Ultimately, I know it is an expression of concern and care - however, it is a conversational dead-end. I do not know what to do with it. To attempt to begin chatting with such a classic line is like attempting peace negotiations by opening fire on the diplomatic envoy. "Hey, these bullets might stop. You'll miss it when it's gone, I tell you!"
Frustration. Anger. Hatred. Hopelessness. Furiousness. Helplessness. I am not the daughter you so desire. I am not my brother. I am not your subordinate. I am not a mind-reader. I am not your venting ground. I am not perfect. As a child, as a man, as a human being. Neither are you. As a parent, as a child, as a woman, as a human being. You do not know what is best for me - how could you, when you do not even know me as a man? ; do you even know what is best for yourself? - nor do you know what is right for me. And no, you do not know better than me. The way things stand, no, we can never be "friends". And if you're grooming me to "take care of you in your old age", you are most definitely going about it wrong. VERY wrong.
Guilt is a motivating force, yes. Possibly the worst. It works, but it makes the victim feel like that - a victim. Dirty whether it's done or not. Possibly dirtier when it's done, for having allowed guilt into the system. Stop it.
The depth of feeling and emotion you are capable of generating in me beggars belief. Unfortunately, most of that feeling and emotion is negative. So much so that you are the only person on this earth that can make me contemplate suicide. Overly dramatic, perhaps, but very true. Whether it is tackling a lamp-post or a heavyset tree at high speed for a glorious final blaze, taking a sharp kitchen knife to my wrists in your face so you can see my agony, or flinging myself off a high-rise for that brief moment of utter freedom - I have thought these things, some many times, and I still do. It is only my joie de vivre - my sheer will to live that denies me the peaceful eternity I seek.
Yes, I do not fear death. Perhaps I see it as my only escape from the emotions you cause - self-hatred is possibly the worst I feel. What I do fear is not having done something significant with my life. Contributed meaningfully to the people of my life, contributed meaningfully to the world. Made things better, made a positive difference.
You mock my desires. You mock my choices. You mock my dreams. You mock the path I have chosen for my life. I do not mind, for I understand your reasons. However, YOU do not understand. And that, I mind; for you are not interested in understanding MY reasons. And there lies the biggest gap of all. I do not know what it is that has made you so arrogant, so egotistical, so self-righteous; be it society, age, career success, upbringing or insecurity - but what I do know is that I do not wish to follow your path.
I do love you. Not in any way you understand, but that's well reciprocated - I do not understand your expressions of love either. It's simple - we cannot communicate. I need the benefit of hindsight to understand what you say. I also need to know that I'm being listened to when I speak. You need what I call 'idle chatter'. Frankly, you need a daughter - which I am not. Hoping that I'd become one out of the sheer force of your will is false hope - I was born with a dick, and it's not dropping off anytime soon.
The trouble with unspoken expectations is that - they are unspoken. Unclear. Unknown. Communicating with them does not work. Even keeping them does not work. They destroy relationships.
I know that you're doing the best you can, and that you've done the best you can with what you knew. Life is a journey of learning. What I do not respect is believing that you already know it all; that there's no more learning to be had, that there's nothing that can be made better. I do not blame you, but I do not forgive you.
I don't know what to do anymore. I will, of course, work very hard at proving you wrong by becoming a bright star in my chosen path - but that wouldn't make you see anything new, would it? And I'll pay you back everything you ever put into me, since money is so damn important to you. Our relationship will be kept wonderfully superficial, fear not.
Perhaps I'll take up prayer. Surely if anyone can show you the light, it'd be your God, right?
Fact is, I cannot communicate with you. To call it a generation gap, a gender gap, a role gap, or any other gap would be farcical - the yawning chasm between us beggars description. What is important to you is superficial to me. What is important to me is foolish idealism to you. I have little interest in describing my day while it is still unraveling, and I have no answer to the question "why didn't you say hi?" Ultimately, I know it is an expression of concern and care - however, it is a conversational dead-end. I do not know what to do with it. To attempt to begin chatting with such a classic line is like attempting peace negotiations by opening fire on the diplomatic envoy. "Hey, these bullets might stop. You'll miss it when it's gone, I tell you!"
Frustration. Anger. Hatred. Hopelessness. Furiousness. Helplessness. I am not the daughter you so desire. I am not my brother. I am not your subordinate. I am not a mind-reader. I am not your venting ground. I am not perfect. As a child, as a man, as a human being. Neither are you. As a parent, as a child, as a woman, as a human being. You do not know what is best for me - how could you, when you do not even know me as a man? ; do you even know what is best for yourself? - nor do you know what is right for me. And no, you do not know better than me. The way things stand, no, we can never be "friends". And if you're grooming me to "take care of you in your old age", you are most definitely going about it wrong. VERY wrong.
Guilt is a motivating force, yes. Possibly the worst. It works, but it makes the victim feel like that - a victim. Dirty whether it's done or not. Possibly dirtier when it's done, for having allowed guilt into the system. Stop it.
The depth of feeling and emotion you are capable of generating in me beggars belief. Unfortunately, most of that feeling and emotion is negative. So much so that you are the only person on this earth that can make me contemplate suicide. Overly dramatic, perhaps, but very true. Whether it is tackling a lamp-post or a heavyset tree at high speed for a glorious final blaze, taking a sharp kitchen knife to my wrists in your face so you can see my agony, or flinging myself off a high-rise for that brief moment of utter freedom - I have thought these things, some many times, and I still do. It is only my joie de vivre - my sheer will to live that denies me the peaceful eternity I seek.
Yes, I do not fear death. Perhaps I see it as my only escape from the emotions you cause - self-hatred is possibly the worst I feel. What I do fear is not having done something significant with my life. Contributed meaningfully to the people of my life, contributed meaningfully to the world. Made things better, made a positive difference.
You mock my desires. You mock my choices. You mock my dreams. You mock the path I have chosen for my life. I do not mind, for I understand your reasons. However, YOU do not understand. And that, I mind; for you are not interested in understanding MY reasons. And there lies the biggest gap of all. I do not know what it is that has made you so arrogant, so egotistical, so self-righteous; be it society, age, career success, upbringing or insecurity - but what I do know is that I do not wish to follow your path.
I do love you. Not in any way you understand, but that's well reciprocated - I do not understand your expressions of love either. It's simple - we cannot communicate. I need the benefit of hindsight to understand what you say. I also need to know that I'm being listened to when I speak. You need what I call 'idle chatter'. Frankly, you need a daughter - which I am not. Hoping that I'd become one out of the sheer force of your will is false hope - I was born with a dick, and it's not dropping off anytime soon.
The trouble with unspoken expectations is that - they are unspoken. Unclear. Unknown. Communicating with them does not work. Even keeping them does not work. They destroy relationships.
I know that you're doing the best you can, and that you've done the best you can with what you knew. Life is a journey of learning. What I do not respect is believing that you already know it all; that there's no more learning to be had, that there's nothing that can be made better. I do not blame you, but I do not forgive you.
I don't know what to do anymore. I will, of course, work very hard at proving you wrong by becoming a bright star in my chosen path - but that wouldn't make you see anything new, would it? And I'll pay you back everything you ever put into me, since money is so damn important to you. Our relationship will be kept wonderfully superficial, fear not.
Perhaps I'll take up prayer. Surely if anyone can show you the light, it'd be your God, right?
posted by Jo at 12:36 am
7 Comments:
This is a delicate matter and I wouldn't say this if it wasn't you that recommended and lent me Randy Gage's book.
Your post and many of the sentences sounds like you are a victim.
Perhaps I can put it in better words than the previous commentor. Yes, you are a victim. You have allowed yourself to be a victim of her. Also yes, this is the space where you can vent, however, as I have seen and come to understand the relationship you both have I also know that the two of you have contributed to the space you both live in now. You have allowed her to make you emotionally frustrated, doubt yourself, feel lousy and you can't forgive her for that. You have allowed her views on what sort of man you should be to effect you. It's time to change that babe. It is not her, its is YOU. You have to ok with you and your decisions in life. Yes, she has expectations, all parents do, and they may be different from yours but yes, but it does not mean you have to continue carrying around this huge burden of the "ideal Johann" on your shoulders. Why do you do that? Yes, she compares you to your brother, thats ok. His way of life or being is not what you seek to achieve anyway. You don't have to "prove" anything to her. It should not be about that.
Its great that you are your own man and you seek your own path. Not many people have that will to go against the grain. Enjoy that. Revel in that. Be in the moment.
It's time to say to yourself- It's ok if she does not get me. I am going to be the man I want to be and it does not make me a lesser man if I fuck up along the way.
We all fuck up, its ok, as long as we learn from it.
Although, different from you, I do enjoy being with my mum, I still think it IS ok to not be friends. Not every child and parent has to be great friends. She will not change, you have to get that. Her whole being has already be established by her career, her society, her marriage, her upbringing and her feelings for the past 60 years. You on the other hand, can change you view the relationship. See the intentions not the words. She is equally as frustrated with you as you are with her. Maybe she will never see or agree with your ideals or your dreams just as you will never see or agree with her ideals or dreams for you. Be ok with that, put that out of the way and move on so that there is a space for a decent relationship between the two of you.
Honestly, I feel your relationship works best once you are out of each other's everyday space.You need some time out la.
Never forget you are STRONG, LOVING, POWERFUL and CARING!
A mantra to share...
Om Ma Ni Pa Me Hum
A story to share...
A devoted meditator, after years concentrating on a particular mantra, had attained enough insight to begin teaching. The student's humility was far from perfect, but the teachers at the monastery were not worried.
A few years of successful teaching left the meditator with no thoughts about learning from anyone; but upon hearing about a famous hermit living nearby, the opportunity was too exciting to be passed up.
The hermit lived alone on an island at the middle of a lake, so the meditator hired a man with a boat to row across to the island. The meditator was very respectful of the old hermit. As they shared some tea made with herbs the meditator asked him about his spiritual practice. The old man said he had no spiritual practice, except for a mantra which he repeated all the time to himself. The meditator was pleased: the hermit was using the same mantra he used himself -- but when the hermit spoke the mantra aloud, the meditator was horrified!
"What's wrong?" asked the hermit.
"I don't know what to say. I'm afraid you've wasted your whole life! You are pronouncing the mantra incorrectly!"
"Oh, Dear! That is terrible. How should I say it?"
The meditator gave the correct pronunciation, and the old hermit was very grateful, asking to be left alone so he could get started right away. On the way back across the lake the meditator, now confirmed as an accomplished teacher, was pondering the sad fate of the hermit.
"It's so fortunate that I came along. At least he will have a little time to practice correctly before he dies." Just then, the meditator noticed that the boatman was looking quite shocked, and turned to see the hermit standing respectfully on the water, next to the boat.
"Excuse me, please. I hate to bother you, but I've forgotten the correct pronunciation again. Would you please repeat it for me?"
"You obviously don't need it," stammered the meditator; but the old man persisted in his polite request until the meditator relented and told him again the way he thought the mantra should be pronounced.
The old hermit was saying the mantra very carefully, slowly, over and over, as he walked across the surface of the water back to the island.
I had the chance to speak to my mom after I quit my job. Usually I wake up at 6.30am prepare to go to work, then singing/theatre activities till late nite.. I dont see her at all. Now that I have the time at home, I realized that she has aged. I wish I had more time for her.
Yes, sometimes its tough when parents doesnt understand us or even give us the space to breathe. I strongly believe they dont have any bad intention. They just want the best for their child, thus over protecting by using force and controls.
Take a deep breath, focus on what is best for yourself. Believe in yourself!
I have little words to add.
(( hugs ))
Thats all i can afford right now.
Coz I know youre stronger, and better than anything you'll face.
Aran: You are absolutely right. With her, I make myself one.
Bots: Thanks babe. I know you've been saying the same litany to me over and over again, and I do appreciate it. I do need to be reminded of it. It'll eventually break through my thick skull.
Fang: Thanks for that, compassion will be a virtue I'll pursue from now on. A mantra for peace and calm will be most useful.
Jeremy: Thanks, I will.
Aikuchi: Thank you.
It's interesting that in choosing to vent on this subject with the aim of releasing all that negativity, it stayed with me regardless. I think it's because I focused so much on it.
Since then I've had a massive fight with her, and things will get better from here. I think of all my bad habits, my worst were made around her words and being. I dedicate myself to breaking those horrible, self-defeating, self-fulfilling mindsets.
someone once said to me - we agree to disagree ;)
n that m'dear is sometimes the story of parents n children.
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